What a Death Doula does and 6 questions to ask when you want to hire one

Welcome! 

Last week, I shared about how grief can cause a variety of issues with the relationships in your life. I want to help you prevent as many of these issues as possible for you and your loved ones. 

Early in 2022, I attended a certification class to become a death doula. I seen a couple of articles about this profession prior to attending the class and I thought to myself, 'this is who I needed to help us through those years of intense loss and grief.' 

There are many types of death doulas, and not all are available in all locations. A google search after reading this post should lead you to a local professional or someone you can work with online (like me!). 

All death doulas help families process the transition from life to death by helping them recognize death as a natural part of life. This was traditionally a community role that was lost around the time medical care became industrialized (the early 20th century) and people stopped dying in the home. Those who fill this role are called to it, and likely had ancestors who have done this work for generations. 

Types of death doulas: 

Legacy death doulas generally have the knowledge to help you plan your funeral, memorial service, and prepare legacy projects - slideshows, heirloom designation, setting up fundraisers or monetary donations. This is my specialty! 

11th hour doulas help comfort an individual during the final hours of their life. Creating a safe, comfortable space in which to let go of life, talking about the dying process and maintaining a calm atmosphere, providing respite for the family, and recording stories for posterity. 

Post-mortem doulas assist with teaching your family how to clean and prepare your body after death for a home viewing (they cannot charge to provide these services unless they are a funeral director, will instead charge to educate the family), can also lead the family in memorial ceremonies, and help prepare the paperwork to file for the death certificates and disposition permits (generally through their partner funeral home). They or a legacy doula can help make phone calls and begin to follow the plan for the funeral and memorial celebration. 

Things to ask when interviewing death doulas: 

1. What do you specialize in? 

2. What are your rates for each service? 

3. Before the interview, make a list of things you want and don't want during your final months, weeks, and hours (legacy projects, home organization, reflexology, aromatherapy, etc.). Can they accommodate your wishes? 

4. Do they have a network of people who provide services they do not, natural/green caskets, shrouds, local flowers, food, and ceremonial services for funerals? Doulas cannot legally sell you goods for funerals, unless they are members of a funeral home or are a funeral director, according to the Funeral Trade Commission. 

5. Do they work with a funeral home that will help with body preparation, transportation to the disposition location, and legal document preparation? Embalming is never a requirement and if the body is kept cool (dry ice or AC and ice packs in specific locations under your body to slow decomposition) and clean, you can stay at home for days or weeks after your death. 

6. Anything else you want to know about them and their services. Availability, business partners (in case they are working with multiple clients who need them simultaneously), things you forgot to ask and should know? 

Special situations: 

We lost my exes parents in a car accident; they were taken to the funeral home and had a closed casket service before the cremation due to the condition of the bodies. Their loved ones couldn’t hold their hands or touch their shrouded bodies in a final goodbye, which seemed to cause the trauma of their deaths to continue past the memorial instead of it bringing closure and ease. 

The last time I saw my father, he was struggling to breathe in a comatose state after having a massive stroke and being put on morphine while his heart slowed and finally stopped. I wasn't there when he passed away and didn't get to say goodbye or hug him once more before he was sent to be cremated. The next, and final, time I touched him, he was ash in my hands being scattered onto a property I would, unknowingly, shortly be denied access to. 

I couldn’t attend his wife's memorial two years later due to Covid-19 travel restrictions. I had to grieve her death in isolation, something too many people have had to go through over the last few years. 

For accidental and sudden deaths, a doula can help the family process and find professional counseling. Assist with funeral arrangements and keep the peace between family members if necessary. Pre-planning will also help with these types of situations. 

If the person has already worked with a doula and planned for their gradual decline due to a chronic or terminal illness, those plans should also include what to do if tragedy should strike. What is in the will is what will be done, plan for everything! 

Take some time to write down some of the things you'd like a death doula to help you with. Do some googling or send me a request for information about my services. Accepting death as the inevitable and natural conclusion to a life well lived, and planning for it, is the best gift you can give to your loved ones. 

Keep an eye on your inbox next week to learn more about what a Green Home Funeral Guide does! 

Love and Light, 

Christine