The devastation of unmanaged grief on families

Welcome! 

This week is going to be a difficult post to read. I'll be sharing more about the effects of unmanaged and unplanned loss and grief. My mission is to help the people you love avoid as much of this pain as possible. 

Last week I told you about how my exes mother and step father were killed in an accident, with nothing planned for the end of their lives. This week I want to show you in greater detail the consequences this had on our lives and eventually those of our children. 

This is not to torture you or to cast blame on anyone. I have processed through these experiences and share them with you now in the spirit of growth and expansion. There are many things we can do to prepare you and your loved ones for your final transition to help avoid or reduce some to the following consequences. 

The twins arrive! 

In May of 2019, everyone was still processing all the grief from the deaths we'd recently experienced. The twins were born six weeks early. My daughter was in the NICU for 2.5 of those weeks, my son for 5.5. The weeks when they were in two different locations, while I was still recovering from my emergency surgery and couldn't drive myself to see him, were some of the hardest days of my life. 

My exes’ family helped drive me to the hospital or stayed with my daughter at the house during those weeks while my ex and I went to the hospital to visit my son. They were a lot of help, but eventually the unmanaged grief took over and we saw them less and less frequently. 

My mom stayed with us for a few months, until I was mostly recovered from my surgery, and the twins were on a somewhat regular food and sleep schedule. Then she had to go back to North Carolina to help her husband who was having major heart surgery. 

There I was, in Kansas, with two adorable children and a family that was being drawn into the consequences of grief and away from the joys of new life.  

The effects of grief over time: 

As a new mother, the only thing you desire for your children is to be loved and adored by the entire family and extended relatives and friends. Due to the unmanaged grief, members of my exes family that I knew to be reliable and emotionally supportive prior to the accident, lost the capacity for anything beyond dealing with their own daily lives. 

I’m going to keep things vague to protect everyone’s privacy, but I want to share some facts and events that help illustrate what deep grief can do when it’s not managed. Grief does terrible things to people. Addictive behaviors can worsen and even turn into abusive behaviors. 

People who had issues with drinking, lost their ability to control that behavior. Before the accident it wasn’t unusual to have a few casual drinks every week. After, there was daily drinking and apathy toward activities that had previously brought joy, disinterest in other people, and eventually disconnection with the twins. 

People who formerly had healthy relationships became vulnerable to abusers and this caused other family members to overextend themselves in helping them get out of those situations. Which meant they had less availability to enjoy the addition of infant twins to the family. 

People who would check in with us regularly and plan outings or visits not only stopped visiting, they stopped communicating altogether. 

I want to help you protect your loved ones after you're gone, as much as we are able, with preplanning and honest conversations.  

And now… 

I have learned a lot over the last 5 years. In addition to my BA in Technical Theatre and MA in Organizational Leadership, I am a certified Death Doula and Home Funeral Guide. I constantly learn, grow, and help others help themselves. 

Where are you in the process of end of life planning? Please reply and tell me what your ideal funeral would look like. 

Keep an eye on your inbox to learn more about how I'm going to use my expertise and experience to be a light in the darkness. Next week I'll talk about what a Death Doula does and why you need one! 

Love and Light, 

Christine